So, you get to be in the Stampede this week?

Yeah, pretty excited about it.

Really?

No.

Why?

Well, there’s the lack of prize money and the fact that someone will be chasing me down while mounted on the back of a horse, trying to throw a rope around my neck and stop me dead in my tracks while I’m running for my life. Oh, and then pick me up, throw me on the ground and tie my legs together.

Well, when you put it that way.

Is there another way to put it?

Don’t you get a thrill performing in front of such a big crowd?

In a word. No.

Does it hurt when you’re roped?

Have you ever had someone throw a rope around your neck and pull when you’re running as fast as you can?

No.

That was a rhetorical question.

So you’re saying it does hurt?

Yes Einstein, I’m saying it hurts.

The incidence of injuries is very low.

True, but it would be a hell of a lot lower if I didn’t have to do it.

What about when they grab you and tie up your legs?

That part doesn’t hurt so much, but it’s pretty humiliating, not to mention totally uncomfortable when you’re stuck in the field waiting for someone to let you go.

Not into being tied up, eh?

Perv. No.

I guess there aren’t any safewords.

….

Okay, moving along. How are you treated when you’re not running away from mounted cowboys?

Oh, pretty good. You know, the usual. I stand around, eat a bunch, drool a little, eat some more, hang out with my mom when I get a chance. They feed us pretty good. And the ranch isn’t bad.

Do you get to watch the grandstand show?

We hear it, but they don’t really let us out to sit in the stands if that’s what you mean. Not a big fan of the fireworks.

Why not?

Well, loud bangs and all. I mean, I talk smart, but I am a cow. I get a bit freaked out, you know?

Have you checked out the midway food offerings?

Oh, you know, I’ve perused some of the options, yeah.

Any you want to try?

I’m more of a grass and hay kind of guy. Also, scorpions on pizza? Nasty business that.

If you weren’t being chased down in the rodeo, what would you be doing?

Probably standing in a field, staring, chewing. The usual. You know, living the dream.

Do you still have your balls?

This interview is over.