Joan Crockatt, Newly elected MP for Calgary Centre (or what we imagine an interview would be like)


Congratulations on your win.

Thank you. Now, who do you write for?

Fast Forward Weekly.

Are you owned by the Sun?


Oh. Well….

You sound disappointed Joan.

Well, it’s just that I’ve got some door knocking to do.

But the campaign is over.

Well, they haven’t sent me an updated list.

What list?

From the Prime Minster’s Office.

What does that have to do with anything?

Well, it’s just that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.

I believe you’re supposed to represent the riding of Calgary Centre.

No, that doesn’t sound right. I think I’m supposed to do what the PMO tells me to do. Hold on, I’m going to Google that.

Joan? Don’t bother. Let’s move on. What are you going to do now that you’ve won?

I don’t know. I just told you that.

Well, do you have any ideas about how you’ll represent Calgary? For example, do you have any ideas about how best to fund the infrastructure needs of cities?

I believe that we have a strong, stable federal government that believes in the free market, the military, the War of 1812, oil, nationalism and… efficiency. Yes, that’s it, efficiency. Did I mention the free market?

You did. That just sounds like an empty list. Not much substance there.

Free market.

Right. Okay. Now, you didn’t return our phone calls during the campaign. Why was that?

I was door knocking. I didn’t have time.

You appeared on Ezra Levant’s show. You had time for that.

He’s got a larger audience than you do.

Still? Hmm. Well, we’re a well-read paper in the riding.

News to me.

Some people criticized you for not appearing at most of the all-candidates debates. What do you say to those critics?

Door knocking. Free market.


Military. 1812.

Okay… um. Do you think you ran an effective campaign?

I won, didn’t I?

Well yes, but not by much.

Supply and demand.

I beg your pardon?

Free market.

Okay, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.

Oh wait, Arctic! It says Arctic here.

Right then. Good luck in Ottawa.


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